Dem
51
GOP
49
As with everyone's menorahs, artificial Christmas trees, and Festivus poles, this feature is about to return to mothballs for 11 months. And so, instead of a theme today, we're going with a hodgepodge of submissions.
To start, we really wanted to do something about the death of Pelé, a global sports icon on par with Jesse Owens, Don Bradman, Muhammad Ali, Wayne Gretzky and Michael Jordan, but we couldn't quite find a politics angle. Fortunately, M.L. in Encino, CA solved our problem for us:
The world is rocked by
death of soccer great Pelé —
Heaven reverbs "Gooooooaaaaaaal!"
Thanks for the assist, M.L., and vá com Deus, Pelé.
Moving on, S.C. in Mountain View, CA sent us this timely, Ogden Nash-inspired bit of verse:
He told so many lies, did George Santos,
That into the water he should his pants toss.
Meanwhile, if you had asked us what song was the ripest target for political parody, we might have guessed "Hey Jude," or "Thriller," or "Stairway to Heaven," or "American Pie," or "Satisfaction," or "Smells Like Teen Spirit." We could have gotten many hundreds, or even thousands, of guesses in and we probably still wouldn't have hit on what is apparently the correct answer, namely the almost-150-year-old "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General" from Gilbert and Sullivan's Pirates of Penzance. Here's J.M. in Stamford, CT, targeting the Democrats:
I am the very model of a Democratic liberal
I have correct opinions both the social and political
I am very well acquainted with all kinds of modern Wokery
It really hurts my Pride to hear it called the merest hokery
For LGB TQA+ I know just what they mean by Plus
The pronoun ‘me’ I never use, it’s what we always mean by ‘us’
To compliment another I must first be an inquirer
About the hurt they may endure on meeting an admirer
I feel the pain of everyone whose gendered self-identity
Has been denied by bakers or some other biased entity
In short, in my opinions both the social and political
I am the very model of a Democratic liberal
I know our racist history, from Jefferson to MAGA tribe
To say that All Lives Matter disrespects the many Blacks who died
Under the knees of whites who claimed to have a false supremacy
It’s for my fellows of all races that I’d rather bend my knee
For any cause in any land I’m ready to make loud protest
In search of justice peace and right I argue that we must divest
I march for colleges and firms to act in the affirmative
Reverse discrimination may provide a social curative
Then I can praise or pan some art that features tasteless nudities
It all depends who it offends with raw and chilly crudites
In short, in my opinions both the social and political
I am the very model of a Democratic liberal
In fact, when I know what is meant by ‘primary’ and ‘compromise’
When I can tell at sight a lib’ral-owning post in good disguise
When normal folk who shun elites attend my commentariat
And when I know precisely what is meant by ‘center-moderate’
When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern pollery
When I know more of dressing issues up with jokes and drollery
In short, when I can poll as well as biker/lib’ral Fetterman
You’ll say a Democratic liberal is now a better man
For my electoral knowledge, though I’m sensitive and so for real
Is stuck in La-La land like asking voters for a ‘Green New Deal’
But still, in my opinions both the social and political
I am the very model of a Democratic liberal
And B.G. in Oakton, VA, with the same song, but the other side of the aisle:
I am the very model of a toddler U.S. President
Of facts and truth and science I am very surely reticent
I met the Queen of England and I did cut right in front of her
It could have been much worse because I am a known philanderer.
I'm very well acquainted too with matters of diplomacy
I trashed Trudeau and Merkel and Theresa May so boastfully
I've palled with autocratic leaders, acted like a great big ape
And worried that Bob Mueller will soon show the world the pee-pee tape.
Reader D.D. in Portland, OR lets us know it even works for third parties:
I am the very model of a modern Libertarian:
I teem with glowing notions for proposals millenarian,
I've nothing but contempt for ideologies collectivist
(My own ideas of social good tend more toward the Objectivist).
You see, I've just discovered, by my intellectual bravery,
That civic obligations are all tantamount to slavery;
And thus that ancient pastime, viz., complaining of taxation,
Assumes the glorious aspect of a war for liberation!
[Chorus:]
You really must admit it's a delightful revelation:
To bitch about your taxes is to fight for liberation!
I bolster up my claims with lucubrations rather risible
About the Founding Fathers and the market's hand invisible;
In fact, my slight acquaintance with the fountainhead Pierian
Makes me the very model of a modern Libertarian!
[Chorus:]
His very slight acquaintance with the fountainhead Pierian
Makes him the very model of a modern Libertarian!
All "public wealth" is robbery, we never will accede to it;
You have no rights in anything if you can't show your deed to it.
(But don't fear repossession by our Amerind minority:
Those treaties aren't valid---Uncle Sam had no authority!)
We realize whales and wolves and moose find wilderness quite vital,
And we'll give back their habitats---if they can prove their title.
But people like unspoiled lands (we too will say "hooray" for them),
So we have faith that someone else will freely choose to pay for them.
[Chorus:]
Yes, when the parks are auctioned it will be a lucky day for them---
We're confident that someone else will freely choose to pay for them!
We'll guard the health of nature by self-interest most astute:
Since pollution is destructive, no one ever will pollute.
Thus factories will safeguard our communities riparian---
I am the very model of a modern Libertarian!
[Chorus:]
Yes, factories will safeguard our communities riparian,
He is the very model of a modern Libertarian!
In short, when I can tell why individual consumers
Know best who should approve their drugs and who should treat their tumors;
Why civilized existence in its intricate confusion
Will be simple and straightforward, absent government intrusion;
Why markets cannot err within the system I've described,
Why poor folk won't be bullied and why rich folk won't be bribed,
And why all vast inequities of power and position
Will vanish when I wave my wand and utter "COMPETITION!"---
[Chorus:]
He's so much more exciting than a common politician,
Inequities will vanish when he hollers "Competition!"
---And why my lofty rhetoric and arguments meticulous
Inspire shouts of laughter and the hearty cry, "Ridiculous!",
And why my social theories all seem so pre-Sumerian---
I'll be the very model of a modern Libertarian!
[Chorus:]
His novel social theories all seem so pre-Sumerian---
He is the very model of a modern Libertarian!
As noted, on Monday of next week, we'll wrap it up with some New Year's themed verse. Here is the address, if you have a submission. (Z)